Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
