Your dad touched me again.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
