My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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