if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
No subtext here. People are naked.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
