i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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