You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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