the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
