You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
