i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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