I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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