I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
