Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
