I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
