If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
