I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Is it because I queefed?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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