if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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