Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
