the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize