Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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