You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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