I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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