god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
