New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
