Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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