someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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