Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
