i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize