I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
