Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
