how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
