did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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