FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
