what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize