are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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