the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I wish I only lived at night.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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