Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
