I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
