I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
