We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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