Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
