My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
