Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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