I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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