so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize