i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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