I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize