I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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