I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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