yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
