I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
