Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Randomize
