i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize