You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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