The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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