I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
As shirtless as possible
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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