he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
