my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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