why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
