sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Blood and glitter go together right?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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