Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
